If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
