i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
