You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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