I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
