watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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