my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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