I wish I could punch you in the face.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
