My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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