Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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