happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
false alarm. still invincible.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Bring me that man meat
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
