I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
