Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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