i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
