I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
