i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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