My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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