i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
They are going to name an STD after you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
