Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
