mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
