hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
