You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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