A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
