So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
