Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
