shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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