remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
