I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
