I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
