I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
They are going to name an STD after you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
