aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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