I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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