I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
being pregnant is like rehab
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
