Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
