I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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