I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
