It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
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Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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