Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How's work?
Spinning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
