i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
