he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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