I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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