dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
