Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
