Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
