Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
