It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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