Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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