dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
