Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He better not be in your backpack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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