just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize