You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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