what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So here I am, sexting at work.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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