I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
