I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize