Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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