Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Drake has all the answers
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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