i think my tv is drunk
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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