Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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