I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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