The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
