So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
